What about after the divorce?

Recently a couple of girls I know had to go through the really horrible experience of divorce. I am not going into the details of the divorces or why the marriages failed, but my real question is what do they do next? Divorce is a traumatizing experience. With any traumatic experience the divorcee needs plenty of support and help after the experience, but in our Middle Eastern culture seldom does she get it. Therapy or psychological help is still frowned upon in our communities which is a very sad and bad thing. Carrying emotional baggage like that is frightening and must be very heavy on the girls. I wonder why there are no centers or support groups to help women handle it. A woman needs legal advice first to set her affairs in order. If she has kids she needs to figure out how she will support them and how she will get the financial settlement in order too. Even after all of that where does she go to deal with her own issues and then her children. Marriage is becoming increasingly difficult in our countries especially Egypt, parents are pressuring their daughters to settle for any marriage that comes along, so they are even harder on their daughters who want out and are usually even harder on them when they do get divorces.  Some women even stay in bad marriages longer than they should because of that parental and social pressure.  In a religious society like ours what role does the mosque or the imam play in such cases, nearly non-existent.  In the past imams did play a role in these issues because they also usually used to be judges and they new the rules really well.  What can we do to help?  I have been thinking about this for a long time and I think we need the following:

  • A change in mentality.  It is ok to get out of a bad marriage.  I chose “bad” because I think bad starts from an unhappy marriage to the extreme of an abusive relationship, with everything in between.  Understanding what a bad marriage is important.  Many women will accept husbands who cheat and will turn a blind eye to it just because they do not want to carry the stigma of a divorced women.  I think, if, as a community we stopped looking at the woman as the wrong doer or even trying to point a finger at who the guilty party is and focused more on fixing the situation it would be better to all of us.  We should stop judging and trying to analyze why someone’s marriage failed and instead help the person move on.
  • Educating women.  I have always thought that our basic education should include a “Marriage 101” course.  From the process of accepting a marriage proposal, making a marriage work, knowing what your rights and your obligations are and how and when to get out of a bad marriage if God forbid you were unlucky to get into one.  Since our educational system is not that sophisticated, parents should educate themselves and their sons and daughters.  Where are our writers and journalists?  Why isn’t there a “Marriage for Dummies in the Arab World” book, anything to help guide our generations in the right direction.  The rules in the non-Arab world are different, we need our own rules and we need to teach them to our daughters.
  • Support.  There is nothing wrong with seeking proffessional help.  Sometimes just talking to someone who is not involved in the situation enables us to move forward because a non-judgemental, honest and caring opinion can help clear what we saw as muddled or jumbled up.  Does your local mosque have an educated and caring Imam?  He should be playing his part in society, try and get him involved.  Are you part of a club or social scene where you can set up sessions and talks to the younger generation, then why are you not doing that? D is for Divorced, not for Dead, is a great blog offering advice, written by two ladies who went through it.  I wish more women had the guts and courage to do the same.  It is nothing to be ashamed of, what really is shameful is that we make an already bad situation worse.

20 Comments

  • At 2008.11.25 15:30, RJay said:

    I agree we need to stop sticking our head in the sand

    50% of marriages in egypt end in divorce in te first year

    there is something wrong and we need to fix it

    • At 2008.11.25 17:42, mona said:

      So true and it’s really sad. It’s so weird how people think of a divorced woman as damaged goods and not so of the man.

      • At 2008.11.25 19:56, Qwaider قويدر said:

        I am a strong believer that NO ONE should be coerced into marrying anyone. Not men, and certainly not women (yes, men get the pressure too)
        What I think you need to modify in your argument is the excessive use of “women” and start using “person”. Because divorce is hard on all parties concerned. A recent report shows that MEN suffer MORE in a divorce than women. But I would simply say, BOTH suffer but kids suffer the most.

        There’s a role that is played by community leaders, Imams, judges and parents. It’s not that these people are NOT doing anything. They are, but it’s just OVERWHELMING to say the least. Divorce is rising in an alarming rate

        Either way, we need to look for fair and just ways to dissolve something as intimate as marriage. It’s not easy no matter how you think of it.

        • At 2008.11.25 20:14, jessyz said:

          @Rjay:I think the main problem is that the choice is wrong from the beginning.
          @mona: even if the divorce happens before the wedding (after katb il kitab) the woman is still regarded as damaged, it is so horrible.
          @Qwaider: You are right but you seem to have missed the point. Women do suffer real bad, it becomes much harder for them to remarry something men do not suffer. I am also mainly talking about abusive and bad marriages where the husbands abuse the women; verbally, emotionally and physically. I don’t think a husband who beats his wife, cheats on her and does not even contribute financially to the home deserves any kind of sympathy. The whole post is about how women find the support they need after they go through a divorce. On the other hand I am very sure that there are good men out there who have dissolved marriages in very decent and humane ways but they are not the ones I am talking about here. Divorce is such a bad thing no matter how you look at it. But there has to be a way to help women, men and the children who have just come out of it.

          • At 2008.11.25 21:53, Qwaider قويدر said:

            Not true Jessy, I have not missed the point but you have actually drowned in historical stereotypes that are really wrong from the start.
            For example, the notion that men don’t suffer or suffer less is a complete fallacy. As I told you, recent research is showing that men actually suffer more than women.
            The classical notion of a bad marriage is a man beating his wife, or being abusive. Men are not even allowed to be “not happy”, as in “What more do you want? You’ve got a wife already” But that’s so false because you know as well I do that women can be cruel, cold, negligent and really horrible wives. It’s not something ONLY MEN are guilty of.
            Additionally, it’s extremely rare to see a single man who doesn’t shoulder the financial responsibilities of a house. It’s just unrealistic. BUT that’s the holy grail of LYING women who always resort to two main lies: Abuse, and being miserly. (And cheating, and being gay) but I have never seen a single case of women admitting they’re at fault

            Anyway, Women are not all angels. And men are not all devils. People suffer really a lot with divorce (men and women) but mostly it’s the children that pay the ultimate price

            Now, allow me to say, that the specific cases that you’re talking about. You might know way more than anyone and know that men are at fault in them without any shadow of a doubt. But consider the rest of the 57% of all marriages that end up in divorce. Do you think men are always the wrong doers here?

            I don’t think so!

            As for damaged goods. I, PERSONALLY, was treated as damaged goods because I was engaged once. It was brought up, AND was considered that it was marriage. Families do take that into account too.

            I hope you don’t get upset, but I see the issue from a different angle.

            • At 2008.11.25 23:24, rasha said:

              WOW!
              Thanks Jessyz for stressing on this subject and A comparison between the affect of divorce on both men and women is really unfair…each case has it’s own story…yet, just monitoring the lives of both after divorce would show that women suffer more because women suffer more in general within a challenging society such as ours.
              Proof: 90% of men remarry within a year.
              while 60% of women don’t remarry.
              not that a second trial is smart/less…it’s just ain’t easy to keep the wheels rolling.
              Anyways…wish every married couple appreciate their parties and the warm relationship they are in…wish every single person take the time to choose Mr./ Mrs. right.

              • At 2008.11.25 23:30, jessyz said:

                @Qwaider: on the contrary I am not upset, I just still stand my ground. I don’t think that men suffer less or more. I think women just need support from their families, friends and society. Education and support benefits both sexes. I also never claimed that men were devils or women were angels. I always believe that in any marital problem, both parties must have had a hand in the problem. It is a partnership, if it fails then both partners must have done something wrong.
                In the specific cases I mentioned I think the girls were wrong in their initial choice, but the marriages could have ended much earlier had they gotten support from their families and if they didn’t fear the stigma so much. One girl endured cheating, physical beatings and emotional humiliation for over a year just so that she would not be labeled a divorced woman, thankfully there are no children involved. To be fair as well I have also seen examples of couples split up very amiably with very minimal hard feelings between each other, in these cases the children still need support in understanding that even though the family dynamics has changed, both parents still love and care about them.
                I also mentioned that families are part of the main problem too, either by coercing their daughters into bad marriages or not supporting them to get out.
                Don’t you agree that in the Arab world we need some sort of support framework for women, men and children?

                • At 2008.11.25 23:56, Qwaider قويدر said:

                  I agree, we really need a support system. It should encompass everyone. Male, female and most importantly children. Who are the greatest victims of this horrible trauma in my opinion

                  The reason why I think men remarry faster is because they’re usually older and the longer they wait the worse their chances are in finding a suitable mate. While women wait and weigh in their options more to make sure they don’t suffer the same fate again.

                  But again, that’s not all men. There are men who do care. And take their time and evaluate their options. Especially when they’re left completely lonely. Especially if they had kids, because they will end up with the mother. Faced with this sad existence, and huge pressure from everyone around them to move on…

                  I personally think women are treated with way more sympathy. People naturally feel sorry for them. (yes, they stigmatize them, but they also sympathize with them. They must have been abused, cheated etc ..etc)

                  I think people who undergo divorce should take a good amount of time to reflect on their lives, then decide where they want to go. Maybe they discovered that they’re unfit to get married? Perhaps they will DECIDE that they will sacrifice the whole thing to raise their own kids! Maybe they will be locked up in a loveless relationship just for the sake of their kids. Who know! Every case has it’s own set of parameters and we shouldn’t really just draw broad conclusions that EVERY woman is a victim and that the society isn’t doing anything.

                  • At 2008.11.26 00:08, jessyz said:

                    @Qwaider: just because I think we need a support system does not mean I have victimized women nor have I drawn a broad conclusion that every woman is a victim. Chill out! You are totally taking this as if I had condemned all men, I seriously am not, I am just wishing there was more help out there, before marriage, during and after. After all, the whole idea of posting something like this is to start a conversation, who knows maybe we can end up doing something useful, at the very least we can all think about the different points of view that make up this picture.
                    @Rasha:I love your conclusion that people already in a relationship should appreciate their marriages and that single people should take the time in selecting their spouse.

                    • At 2008.11.26 01:00, Qwaider قويدر said:

                      Chill out?
                      Jessyz, what I’m trying to say here is that we would do everyone a huge favor if we started being more objective about this matter and forgot old stereotypes that demonize men and treats women as damaged goods. I think we’re mostly in agreement. I just wanted to draw your attention to the other side of the equation that often gets neglected.

                      Albek abyad :)

                      • At 2008.11.26 10:41, Rasha said:

                        On another note, when “Insomniac” our dear friend and the owner of ” D for Divorced” blog started courageously to dedicate a blog for discussing such an important topic she didn’t make it just for women…it was for who ever went through the experience…man or woman.
                        But naturally discussing related issues like divorce law cases and children’s custody would emphasise women’ suffering,only because MEN DON’T GO TO COURT TO ASK FOR THEIR FREEDOM FROM AN UNJUST LIFE!
                        and because 95% of men won’t fight over custody because they aren’t capable of raising kids alone.
                        Exceptions are always there and i believe Mr. Qwaider here will agree with me that there are great fathers who would love to take care of their kids and there are great husbands who were forced – one way or the other – to divorce. but, I blame those…because they don’t speak…they don’t share…I invite any man with a similar experience or even witnessed one to support others by posting about it…with Insomniac permission on the D blog…even in a comment.

                        Again, for me, the main purpose was awareness for single or married couples of how things are once they’ve stepped out of their vows… along with support for the divorced.
                        Have a nice day everyone :)

                        • At 2008.11.26 11:29, insomniac said:

                          i can’t believe i am that late at commenting on that particular post… but i’m glad my partner is already here, thanks rasha :))

                          first of all, jessy, i’ve been thinking about your ideas intensely since i wrote my first post @ D for Divorced… not because i am struggling with getting my own divorce, but rather because it was triggered by seeing a friend of mine who seems to be in a dead end unhappy marriage and me unable to even ask her if she was ok because i’m afraid i’d be intruding….

                          i have already thought of contacting my therapist and asking her of the possibility of arranging for support groups for divorcees (of both genders), although i thought starting out with women would be easier to relate to… the only thing keeping me back is that i currently think i have too many projects and this kinda thing is something i want to put my heart into…

                          which brings me to your argument with Qwaider…. (this will be long, ana asfa but out of respects it has to be on the blog of the lady who wrote the post)

                          Qwaider,

                          i can never claim men do not suffer as much as women when it comes to divorce and its consequences… but let’s look at it from the perspective i think Jessy here was talking about…. in egypt (i can’t really generalize the whole arab world on this one), most women do not have good or decent support systems, not even in their own families… within the same family, you can usually find more tolerance for the male’s behavior than you’d find for the female’s!! it may not be the case everywhere else… but for instance, when i was struggling to get both my family and my soon to be x’s family to understand that i wanted out, i heard numberless phrases that suggested the following:

                          – it is definitely and always the woman’s mistake if a marriage ends, even if the man cheats, and “el ragel may3eboosh gheer geebo”

                          – as long as the husband goes and sleeps on the same bed as his wife, he can do whatever he wants…

                          – e7medy rabena da gheero beyedrabo we mesh beyesrefo!!!

                          my mom said those words too!!! it’s sad that they held those arguments even when i was forced to say more and more shameful things he had done, they would look at the floor and insist on repeating the words avoiding eye contact with the hysteric woman i was!

                          it is worth mentioning that my x was not a miser and he never ever hit me not even jokingly… he cheated and he managed to play the worst mind tricks on me making me doubt my own sanity and self esteem which could have been more damaging than it is had it not been for the great friends i have and the average support my family gave me once they were convinced i was not a crazy woman like he kept repeating… i only believed i was not as crazy when i went to a therapist twice to get a proper consult!!

                          although he was not a miser, he managed to make me sign that i received cash he knowingly gave me to settle his invoices and claimed it was for me! he went on and on speaking to people we know about how much he’d spent on me and our kids as if it was a favor… and i am talking hospital bills not resorts and luxury stuff (i still admit he did provide a luxurious life at a point in our marriage)… he said inappropriate things about me, no decent man would say about his wife, especially if untrue….

                          i must also say, i know my mistakes one by one… i know where i have failed to be his ideal wife, but my only argument here is when a wife or a husband is being a bad spouse, the other spouse should sit and talk, discuss options, even if civil divorce is one of them, there is much less harm when ppl understand and decide together that perhaps they can’t make it together anymore… i sat him down when i first knew about his “affair” and asked him to let me go because i wouldn’t have it in me to turn my head and pretend i never knew or forgive him!

                          having said all that, i still realize my x is not the worst example there is… i mean a glimpse at other people’s tragedies gives me perspective and makes me thankful to whatever it is i had to go through….

                          i am sorry i drifted…

                          i also know guys who endure nasty wives, and i know of guys who have decent wives but can’t seem to find happiness in their marriages… and whenever it’s brought up i always say that if you can’t talk it out with ur spouse and reach common grounds, then divorce must have been allowed for a reason, a good one… men suffer, i can’t say they are insensitive just because i know of quite a few who happen to be jerks… but trust me when i tell you, a man gets more slack in the egyptian culture because it is a masculine society…

                          my own father told me he wouldn’t mind me being a divorcee if i were living in the states for example because there, there is a better support system for single moms and a less judgemental society, but here it’s always the woman’s fault even if she’s judged by another woman….

                          another aspect, in egypt, mostly the woman is financially supported by her father, then her husband… so after the divorce (especially if she has kids and the husband is using finances as a leverage to force her into staying in the marriage), it is much harder for the woman to find a decently paying job to support her and her kids after years of being a house wife or not paying enough attention to her career! while the legal system on the other hand does not drain the man’s financial resources with proper alimony or any other relevant payments, not to mention that the real amount of income can be easily undisclosed to sound much less!! i am saying that first hand even though alhamdulilah my dad is taking good care of me and my kids… but the thought of what it could have been had my father not been there, or had he been unable to support me makes me feel for other people to whom finances is an issue…

                          men and women are not all good and definitely not all bad and they are as creative as it gets when they want to make one another miserable… the man gets privileges because he can always lean on the stereotypes that women are hysteric bitches, just as the woman gets sympathy when she says how the man is known to be a jackass…. it’s a case by case thing and generalizing would only do more harm than good

                          • At 2008.11.26 12:27, jessyz said:

                            @insomniac: you have no idea how I find your courage inspiring. I think divorce, like marriage is very case based, but I think women need lots of support. Qwaider unfortunately thought I was pointing fingers or was being stereotypical. My exact point was to stop judging. Many divorces are nasty but again that is not my point. I think after all is said and done, how can we help women move on. Women usually end up caring for the kids so it is very important that they are emotionally and financially stable for them to move on, I am sure you know this. I went back and reread my post to make sure I was not generalizing or attacking men. But I do stress that I am generalizing that all divorcees need support, whether the divorce was amiable or not. Just like if a parent dies, it might be a good idea to offer grief counseling to the surviving family.

                            • At 2008.11.26 13:58, RJay said:

                              @ Qwaider I just want to say two things could u send me the study about men suffering more than women?? i like reading these things if it’s qualitative with details specifically i mean (again is the study based in the arab world or in general)

                              The other thing I would like to say that qwaider was very succesful at saying that as women we have got to stop generalizing and saying all men are bad (this point is regardless of divorce) i am sick of my girlfriends men bashing and i think its unfair and cruel
                              I can feel qwaider’s frustration and I can make an educated guess that he is some what mad at society for that , and let’s face it we are kinda responsible for that divorce affects both sides and let’s just tackle one case which is divorce without children just the 2 married ppl

                              Divorce rocks more than just the two ppl it rocks the 2 families and the friends and the extended families and anyone who hears about it so basically divorce rocks the very foundation of society especially arab societies since marriage , family and tradition are big part of the foundation of who we are regardless who was a bitch to whom (pardon the french)

                              We have all been wronged at different degrees whether by a man or a woman whether in ur personal or ur work life

                              The thing is we tend to keep banging our heads against the wall and trying to solve the symptoms instead of the problem we keep talking about the divorce itself and the cruel unaccepting society i agree with all that but what started the whole thing

                              Why is divorce REALLY on a rise in the arab world we need to talk about that !! not finger point or try to prove one of the genders is worse than the other

                              Finally i feel for u qwaider and i wish we would all have more empathy for each other seriously the only way we can change our society is change our perspective

                              To all the women out there : when u meet a guy divorced or not please dont automatically assume he is a horrible crazy abusive jerk

                              To all men out there : the next time u meet a girl again divorced o not please please dont assume she is a high maintenance cold calculating manipulative bitch

                              I’m not making this up this is the essence of most religions and God told us (Inn ba3d el thane Ethm) and islam was made for all ages meaning that to preserve our society’s balance (and our sanity) we must dare to believe that good is still out there and if u do that it will come to u

                              Again thanx jessy for talking about things that people don’t like talking about

                              As for Rasha and insomniac hang in there insha2ala khair u should also now that in the quran it says that after divorce god gives both parties rizk so u can go on with ur life :-))

                              • At 2008.11.27 18:36, Qwaider said:

                                <kindly delete my previous screwed up comment, and keep this one instead, they have the same content)

                                Rasha
                                Thanks, I think we’re in agreement too. Although, I am not a big supporter of claimed statistics that are not backed by any real statistical facts.
                                Look, your proximity to the matter completely destroys the objective view of this specific issue. I’m so sorry. But that is the case. There’s hardly ANYTHING in the human history that is 90% or above. Just think of that, read Jessyz previous NAssim Taleb’s post and then think a bit some more about those figures.

                                Insomniac
                                I’m really sorry that you’re suffering from that kind of life. But I would like to draw your attention that you’re being subjective and reflecting your own trauma on everyone else. While that might be a good place to start, it’s not a final resting place for this argument and I am willing to bet you anything that as time moves on and your understanding of the whole situation develops, you will start seeing other dimensions to this problem.
                                You see, not all married women are like you, and not all married men are like your husband. And although you acknowledged that “guys endure” and “not all”. But I can still sense the part about society being unjust, and all men being whatever… They’re all the same.
                                The fact that most people think that society is worse with divorced women and more slacked with men is really the stereotype that I’m trying to help everyone to see that is false, and becoming exceedingly overused and completely untrue. Men suffer too. With divorce comes a lot of other issues. Men have to support their kids, without having custody. That alone might be devastating for some men. Because believe it or not, there are more great fathers, than there are bad ones. More loving, suffering fathers than there are bad husbands. (Yes, I’m generalizing favoring parental emotions)
                                The issue of women and jobs is really not the fault of the husband. It’s her own mistake. There is no one that told her to be 100% financially dependant on the very person she hates and doesn’t appreciate otherwise. This can’t be taken as an argument that men are doing X to make women suffer. It’s because women really aren’t doing their share to improve their life and prefer being housewives at the mercy of the good manners of a man! ANY MAN… No matter how wonderful he is. So when he uses finances as leverage. Don’t blame him and blame HER.
                                The women is entitled to have, Alimony, her kids have child support. It’s mandated by the law and the Shariah. It’s not much, that’s known. But that’s because parents are supposed to SHARE these expenses. Before and after the divorce.
                                In the west, the courts destroy the man’s life, forcing to pay more than 50% of his income for this effort. While I don’t remotely claim that this is fair. I also don’t think that what goes on in our societies is unfair.

                                The financial side of the matter is certainly something to make people stop, think and wonder. In the case of men, it is. Mainly because with divorce comes mo2akhar (which is significant usually), and comes alimony, child support and the burden of starting a new life with someone else and the back breaking expenses that is associating with starting a new life. It’s not a joke I’m telling you, and would force many men to reconsider a million times. So this specific aspect is painful to both parties.

                                I totally agree that generalizing in these matters would do more harm than good but consider this: People like to cultivate sympathy.
                                And: Women, seek more sympathy than anything else (sorry about this one)

                                Jessyz
                                My dear, if you were not generalizing and attacking men. I wouldn’t have said anything. There is this notion, it’s all over your post and it’s about how men -the assholes- don’t suffer and how women -the poor tormented angels- are suffering. And therefore require more support and education and rights …etc.
                                Let’s agree to a point where we say, everyone suffers, everyone needs support, everyone needs education, BEFORE marriage, Before Divorce and let’s try to throw away all the society generalizations out. Know this. Your own SISTER would lie to YOUR OWN FACE to get your sympathy on this matter. So, don’t allow your tears and emotions to be unfair and unjust to the OTHER party because trust me, there’s a human there as well
                                Now I’m not accusing you of being unfair or anything. I’m just saying, it’s hard to know the truth in these matters. What appears as a miserly-cheating-beating-homosexual husband after hearing one woman’s claim might actually be the victim

                                RJay
                                You can read about the research here.
                                The study is not based or conducted in the Arab world, but I trust it more than what I would have had it been done in the Arab world because:
                                1) Men in the Arab world HAVE TO be tough, and now show they’ve lost or weak
                                2) The findings explain many manifestations of depression that we see in Men in the Arab world (like rushing to marry another, when they haven’t even healed yet)
                                3) Men in general don’t seek sympathy or understanding.
                                4) Men in general don’t like to talk about these matters while women, (and this is no generalization) would share their story with everyone they can. (even if it was using an alias to hide their identity)
                                You can also check out this and this
                                I find myself in a lot of agreement with you. especially when you say we all need to have more empathy to one another.

                                to All
                                Congratulations… This dialogue is the first baby step on the long road ahead to educate this society and married men and women that WE ARE DIFFERENT, we’re ALL AT FAULT at the same time, we ALL deserve sympathy and understanding.
                                Divorce is hard, it’s probably the hardest thing to live through. Because it’s one of those things that you just seem to never leave behind and forget. It’ll always be there in your past glaring at you
                                But what we can do, is educate and support everyone
                                I completely believe that women are better equipped to handle the loss of a husband than men losing their wives. Over the eons men have went and never come back. Be it to some other woman’s bed, hunting, war or whatever .. Women appear to have adjusted to the role really well. And that’s nothing to do with divorce or anything, just a thought that crossed my mind now
                                (and sorry for the extra jumbo comment, thanks again jessyz) :)

                                • At 2008.11.27 20:19, jessyz said:

                                  @Qwaider: I couldn’t help myself, I need to be cheeky, RJay is my sister and she knows I take don’t take crap and she doesn’t lie to me. 😀 Seriously I don’t think men are assholes. I think regardless of gender everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt and I also try not to judge. My post was mainly about women who do suffer from bad divorces and need support, maybe it came off like I wanted to say men were bad but I really didn’t.

                                  • At 2008.11.28 02:40, rasha said:

                                    Mr. Qwaider,
                                    My comment was never meant to attract your approval nor applause, moreover, I didn’t claim it was based on a scientific research…I’m leaving statistics to you , thank u very much.
                                    I’m a simple woman talking simple slang…
                                    And I think we know each other a little bit too well to have a misunderstanding!!!

                                    Resting the Issue in peace now, 0.1% of whatever is whatever…here, that won’t destroy the subject!

                                    • At 2008.11.28 03:14, Qwaider قويدر said:

                                      LOL Rasha 😀
                                      Yeah … nothing can cloud our wonderful respectable friendship. I cherish it dearly too

                                      Consider this:
                                      90% of all statistics can be made to say anything, 50% of the time
                                      (and that statement is true by the way :))

                                      • At 2008.11.30 04:35, insomniac said:

                                        sorry Jessy for being a pain in the neck and commenting further on this matter, but i have written a comment a couple of days ago and some error happened… long story short, i simply can’t seem to keep my mouth shut :)

                                        oh and Jess, thanks for making me want to write on the D blog :)

                                        Qwaider :)

                                        yes, my experience shapes my perceptions; i tend to think it’s quite normal… but i am not assuming all women are like me and all men are like my x, i assure you…

                                        i have seen how divorced men suffer, i’ve seen how long it took them to deal and how society treated them… yes, there are assumptions and prejudices, but even in the midst of all that, there is a room -no matter how small- for understanding…

                                        as for wives and their careers… it’s harder to maintain a career without affecting her duties as a wife and a mother, not to mention that our society makes the husband expect the working wife to cook all the same as non-woeking wives and do all the house chores and study for the kids… even though she probably works from 9 to 5 just like him… he gets to bed and she would work all around the house… so would you blame a wife and a mother for choosing her family over her career? you would not blame a man who makes it seem like her only choice even if he’s not clearly stating it?

                                        as for alimony and such post-divorce legal matters, trust me, the system favors those who cheat and succeed in hiding their resources… i’ve seen a judge sentence a father 300 egps per month to support his x-wife and 7 kids, SEVEN!!! there is no way on earth that can be fair, and to see that “father” rubbing it in his x’s face as they got out and gloating about how he used the system made me angry!

                                        if you don’t believe that society is rather more prejudiced against divorced women, take the time to visit an egyptian court room, try to ask around on how a judge treats a woman and how he treats the man… how a judge would demean a woman claiming that “homa naqesat 3aql wa deen” by taking that phrase out of its context…

                                        yes, my experience got me to this perception alright, but it did not affect my judgement and my realization that not all men are that judgmental of women, and not all women deserve the kind of support Jessy mentioned…

                                        • […] if all I did was write words for people to read. Around a week ago, Jessyz wrote that brilliant post that inspired me and reminded me of this blog and its purpose. Jessy suggested that there should be […]