Introspection

“And,
when
you want
something, all the
universe conspires
in helping you
to achieve it.”
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
“Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.”
Bertrand Russel
I went shopping today. Some people enjoy shopping, I am neutral. I do enjoy browsing books, shoes and handbags but clothes don’t really excite me as much. The world was either conspiring against me or totally trying to help me. Everything I liked was in a size 8 or 10. Since I am neither of these, the universe was either telling me to become a size 8 or telling me to go have a sandwich. I didn’t get a sandwich.
Why do we gravitate to certain styles? Almost every item I picked had a distant cousin in my past wardrobe. It was either a similar color or style to what I already own and love. Do we like familiarity? Do we enjoy the feeling of safety? Are our preferences part of our past, present and future? Are they part of our DNA? Is our sense of style part of our nature or nurture? I think in my case it is more of my nature, otherwise I would be wearing florescent track suits which are apparently quite in at the moment.
Every shop had different music playing. Sometimes I stopped, slowed down and listened and some music just had me running out the door. Do they ever think of what they play? Has anyone ever composed music specifically for playing in stores or different store types? That could be a huge market niche.
Have you ever noticed how some mirrors make you look amazing and others just make you look frumpy, even though neither are in a house of crazy mirrors? Shouldn’t they manufacture special mirrors for store fitting rooms?
Some people were shopping with their friends and some were alone. What does it say about you if you need someone with you? What does it say about you if you are always on your own?
How many of the smiling sales people were unhappy today?
How many felt tired or homesick?
Yet they were all smiling and very helpful.
Do you ever wonder about people who you only meet once and will probably never meet again?
I went into Virgin. I thought I might look at the books and gadgets. I didn’t want to buy anything but I got lost inside. Not just inside the store, but inside my head. I looked at all the books. Did I want to read fiction? Not really. Might I be interested in a biography? Yes, but I wasn’t in the mood to buy anything, I just wanted to look at the world from inside my head and then look at my inside from the world outside. I saw the self-help section. Lots of books, do we all need so much help? Do these books work? I moved to the children’s section. Colorful, funny, interesting and educational. Lovely books. Memories. Ramona The Pest, Dr Seuss’s books and lots of others. If only life could be as colorful as a child’s story book. For some reason when I read books meant for children I can hear myself narrate it in my head using all the funny voices I can imagine. I daydream some more. I get out of Virgin feeling happy and content. Bam! Cinnabon is right accross Virgin. The smell of the freshly baked cinnamon buns torture my senses. I can hear them calling my name and tickling my nose. I remember the universe and its conspiracy with the size 8 dresses and I walk away.
I go into a store and look at handbags. I wonder who will buy them, what will they carry and where will they go. Do the bags care? If they did, what would they want to carry? Where would they want to go? Does it matter? Should it even matter to me? I think of my own handbag. It was an impulse buy so many months ago, when I decided I would change my life. I got out of my comfort zone and bought something that appeared on the outside so different from what I would usually buy. But is it really that different? It is black and practical, yet it is funky and interesting. Maybe that is who I really am but I just don’t know it yet.
I walk around some more and find myself in front of the fountain. I love watching fountains, I love watching water even if it is still. Still water runs deep. Am I not like that? Who am I? What am I doing with my life? What have I chosen and where will all of these choices take me? Does it matter?
Friends are sharing coffee and brunch in tables around me. Some are laughing, some are sad, some are working and some are sitting alone. Tomorrow the scene will be the same but the actors will be different. There’s a young mom with a crying baby probably six months or so, I look at her and smile and tell her that everything will get easier. She relaxes a bit, smile backs and looks grateful. Her baby stops crying. The world does not stop and neither should we. We are always on the move. Even when we are very still we are moving, growing older and thinking.
I am back in my car.
I sit down and think, I start the car and put it in reverse. I learned to drive more than 10 years ago. I realize that now I don’t think about it anymore. It has become a skill that I can do without thinking. How many other things were really difficult but are now part of our daily routine? Should I turn on the radio or should I find my iPod? I decide to do neither I am really enjoying the conversation in my head.
I take the long route home because the sun is shining and I feel serene.
I am back home and I am totally alone again. I realize that I struggle with my own demons on many days but not today. Today they have chosen to let me be. To just enjoy the world as it is.
I am grateful for that and I thank them.
Tomorrow we will fight another battle, but not today.

2 Comments

  • At 2010.03.09 10:59, inas said:

    i enjoyed this post as if we had a caffe and a nice chat togther thankyou

    • At 2010.03.17 13:05, jessyz said:

      Zuruna tagedo ma yasorokom