Every year after her birthday is over in October, my sister starts asking me what I want for my birthday. It is in November. And every year she ends up yelling at me, because I almost always won’t tell her what I want or if she suggests something that I feel is too expensive I will make up excuses about why I don’t want it.
The fact is, I feel uncomfortable asking for something, it feels impolite or wrong or needy or whatever it is. I am uncomfortable asking. It is that simple. Even though I am certain she doesn’t mind and can afford whatever it is I might want or ask from her. It is sort of like when someone asks you what do you want to do or where would you like to go out today and instead of telling them what you want you just say “whatever”. Whatevers do not make us happy. They are just a silly way of saying I want something but instead of asking for it I will just say that so i don’t feel like I asked for something. Maybe I don’t want to want something and then not get it. I am guilty of that too. The fear of rejection or failure creeps up in every part of your life when you let it.
I also feel bad about wanting things. It is like I do not believe I deserve to receive a gift from my loved ones. I do not feel worthy. I don’t feel I can afford to reciprocate a more expensive gift so I don’t want to receive one.
I did not see that reason coming.
I do not feel worthy of receiving gifts.
It is a scary sentence. It is also heartbreaking.
But it is not true, it is a lie. A lie that my brain has obviously so intricately woven into my thoughts that I was unaware of. A lie that I am no longer willing to tell myself or believe.
So this year I am going to make a list and send it to her.