Craziness | Chocolate Mints In a Jar

If you don’t know how to smile

Dont work in sales, no body likes a salesperson that doesn’t smile.
Don’t look at kids, they like being smiled at.
Don’t visit sick people, they need to be smiled at.
Don’t bother whitening your teeth, no one is going to see your teeth anyway.
Don’t take pictures, why torture the picture viewers.

Where is Farag?

There should be a version of Where’s Waldo called where is Farag, the first person to find Farag does not get to keep him. Farag must be released in the wild again quickly. The longer Farag hides, more people look for him. You can also try looking for Sabr if you want help finding Farag.

Or maybe it should be called “Who is not looking for Farag?”

The New Jessyz-Webster Dictionary

I’ve decided to come up with my new slang Egyptian Arabic dictionary.

Ta7aleb: something that turned out to be unexpectedly good. Origin: sushi is seaweed and tatstes better than you would expect seaweed to taste.

3ads: kalam faty. Origin: ele maye3rafsh ye2ool 3ads

Wa7ed Seeni (bel sad): ya3ni wa7ed kan under we ba2a over

Any additions?

The server refuses to fulfill the request

Seriously? The server undersrands but doesn’t feel like it?

In my wildest dreams: around the world on a Vespa

I would love to go backpacking around the world on a Vespa. Not just any Vespa, a baby blue one and a pink helmet. It would have a little baby basket for my daughter and I would buy her a matching pink helmet and a faux leather jacket with cute skulls and crossbones on it. My husband who will probably tell me I am totally crazy for saying this will join us but on a more macho macho ride, because he would probably murder me in cold blood if I suggest a black vespa for him. We would visit different countries and experience different cultures. My ever so practical brain says the best way to fund such a trip would be to blog about it and find a couple of sponsors. We would read more because we would watch no television, we would make friends with the locals and try out the food and everything else. We would break out of our comfort zone and live life to its fullest. We would visit flea markets and attend local concerts. We would definitely try out the local cuisine and wear the clothing of the locals. Since we would be backpacking we won’t really buy anything so our only souveniers will be the pictures we take and the videos we shoot.

I could go on forever, from the places I’d love to see and the things I want to try, but there’s a load of washing that needs to be hung out to dry, back to the realities of my life.

Apartment for Rent: Wanted Cool Neighbors

The apartment accross ours is empty and I want new cool neighbors, here is my imaginary ad.

Wanted Cool Neighbors. Are you a fun loving happy family looking for an apartment? We’re looking for:

a young family preferably with a one year old daughter to be friends with our little one.
you don’t make noise, don’t scream and never ever shout obscene profanities at home.
enjoy baking and are looking for a cookie making buddy that looks across the hall.
don’t mind babysitting one night a week, we will definitely return the favor every week.
have lots of interesting books you would like to swap with your neighbor and start a mini book club in the building.
don’t leave your shoes at the door. (Yes, I understand you don’t want dirt coming into your house, but please build a shoe rack INSIDE your own apartment, I don’t want to see or smell your shoes)
your house always smells nice, so nice we can smell it across the hall.
you would love to have morning coffee with your next door neighbor and have an interesting and smart conversation too.

If you are interested and really exist, leave a comment below.

My Superpower

My Golden Torturers

I have a super power. I have decided to come out and tell the world that I can hear inanimate objects speak, well not any objects, but food. Those pesky Ferrero Rocher balls have been calling me all morning. My husband got me a box for Mother’s day and I hid it from myself so we could enjoy a couple every evening after dinner. Normally I can eat them all, munch, munch in a matter of minutes. They have been calling all morning and they know exactly how lonely I get in the mornings and they keep telling me how they will hug me (and sit on my hips forever) and be sweet to me. They know how much I love their crunchy outside and their sweet creamy filling. I’ve tried changing their hiding place and eating cheese instead and they just won’t be quiet. I keep thinking if I eat one or two they will be quieter because there will be less of them talking but I don’t want to go there. I was at the gym last night and the thin mommies just drove me crazy. There was this lady who was probably in her late thirties and is thinner than my wrist so I am trying to control myself. Eventually I threatened to nuke them in the microwave so now they are whimpering and crying, it makes me sad but I’d rather be mean than fat.

Does anyone know where I can find some loud carrots that will sing to me and entertain me in the morning?

I Wish I Had …

Sometimes I get lost in my head and dream of the things I could have. You have to understand that I usually do this when I am very tired and my brain is in a state of pink cotton candy.

Magic Storage Space. I dream of a magic walk in closet, where everything would be magically organized and it would just grow bigger when needed. I would be able to store everything I want without it ever becoming cluttered or stuffed. Since I am dreaming, can it also always smell of vanilla and never ever need cleaning.
Magic Luggage. Magic luggage works the same way the closed does. I would just throw in my stuff and it would all fit in perfectly and fold itself. The most important thing would be that it would always be under the weight limit enforced by the mean airline companies so I would never have to pay for extra weight.
Magic Balcony. A magic balcony is the perfect place for breakfast or enjoying the sunset. The weather is perfect, a cool breeze but never cold or hot and there is no pollution or dust.
Magic Hour. The magic hour is as short or as long as you need it to be. It’s short when you are waiting at the doctor’s or long when you are out with friends enjoying your time.
Magic Map. Just point at the map and *poof* you’re where you pointed.

Relax Right Now

Stressed out? Angry? Impatient? Intolerant?

This is the Jessyz Relax Right Now technique (JRRN™).

Imagine yourself in a very public place, imagine the person or thing annoying you standing on the table, make that table three legged and wobbly. Now imagine them wearing a really bad costume like a Gorilla or a Britney Spears outfit, add some music preferable the Macarena , now watch them dance.

If that doesn’t crack you up, you are hopeless.

Here is some inspiration.

Feel Good (7 Alternative Methods)

Image by MetroGnome0

In a crabby mood? Feeling down? Want some fun and excitement but can’t get it? Borderline depressed?

If you answered yes to one or more, please go away your negative energy is choking me, no wait I am just kidding.

I was in a crabby mood but I found some alternative ways to the regular advice that doesn’t always work.

Alternative to call a friend. Maybe you don’t have any friends or maybe they’re all too busy to take your calls or maybe you are in a country far away that calling them is not good enough. Call an enemy, seriously, either prank call someone you hate, yell “you suck” and hang up. You could of course do the good thing and try to make peace with them. Just remember everyone has caller ID now so if you plan to scream profanity do it from someone else’s phone. Alternatively you could make some new friends.
Eat. Before the crazy people who are trying to loose weight and the self obsessed skinny people start to faint, hear me out. Eat slowly, choose something totally new or something you absolutely love. Enjoy the smell, taste, texture and color of your food. Get lost in your head, bon apetit.
Do something nice for someone else. So you are feeling bad, making someone else feel good will either make you feel good or if you are totally hopeless will make someone feel better. Even better do it anonymously.
Get violent. Hit someone, oh wait I don’t believe in violence. Have a pillow fight instead, the physical activity will make you feel better. I could have just said exercise but who are we kidding?
Sniff something. I didn’t have whiteboard markers or glue in mind but if you’re that kind of person you need help. I meant light a scented candle, you know the ones you have been saving for a special occasion, well those special occasions are few and far between and you need to feel better now. Spritz on some of your favorite perfume.
Get made up. Even if you are staying at home doesn’t mean you can’t look nice, go put some lip gloss on or eyeliner. You could also go extreme and try the goth look for a laugh, remember to take some pictures, post them on facebook, make a fool of yourself and laugh about it with your friends.
Do the hokey pokey.